


5 Times Phillip Carlyle Questioned His Choices… and 1 Time He Didn’t

by Lady Sarai (lady_sarai)



Category: The Greatest Showman (2017)
Genre: 5 Times, Canon Compliant, During Canon, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-25
Updated: 2018-12-25
Packaged: 2019-09-26 22:32:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17150285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lady_sarai/pseuds/Lady%20Sarai
Summary: Phillip Carlyle has a lot of choices to make, and a lot of time to think about whether or not he made the right ones.  Some of them were definitely the right call.  Some of them were not.





	5 Times Phillip Carlyle Questioned His Choices… and 1 Time He Didn’t

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Setter](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Setter/gifts).



> Merry Christmas, or Happy Whatever You Celebrate! Happy Yuletide, in any case! c: I hope you enjoy...

1.  _Don’t_ _ you understand that just associating with you could cost me my inheritance? _

Sometimes Phillip thinks he was a fool, turning his back on his inheritance and his family and his parent’s money, in particular.  Those times generally correlate to the days he collects his meager weekly pay. He really should have fought harder for more than ten percent of the profits; this is a thought he has often, especially as the Circus begins to really do well and starts pulling in ever larger and larger crowds.

Then he sees the books, and what Lettie and W.D. and Anne bring home for pay, and Phillip can’t stomach the idea of paying any of them even a penny less.  He takes his ten percent, and deposits it. So, he can’t afford the things he used to. There was a time when he would throw out a sock if it had a hole in it, rather than spend the time or effort to darn it.  Now he goes to Lettie, and she teaches him how to thread a needle and make the hole vanish, like so much magic.

 

2.  _ The acoustics are actually better in the standing room. That's where they should be. _

P.T.’s words ring in Phillips ears, and he knows--he  _ knows _ , down in the pit of his stomach where the knot has formed--that  _ he _ would be welcome to sit in P.T. Barnum’s personal box, but he thinks about going there, about sitting with Charity and the girls, and he feels nothing so much as sick and angry and sad, and mostly frustrated enough to want to shake Barnum and remind him why he was even afforded the opportunity to  _ meet _ Jenny Lind, never mind bring her back to America for this insane idea of his.

Instead, Phillip stands with the others, with Tom and Lettie, and Anne.  Anne, who is so close to him that he can hear her breathing, even over the sounds of the packed concert hall.  Anne, who is easily the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen, and the most complicated and interesting woman he’s ever known.  When he said that  _ everyone _ would travel to meet Queen Victoria or no one would, he meant it.  He would have rather disappointed everyone else in the CIrcus than see that look on Anne’s face.

And now, here they were, inches apart, watching Jenny Lind sing for the first time.  Jenny’s voice is incredible, but it’s nothing compared to the way Anne looks when she’s flying through the air, all strength and grace and confidence.  Nothing compared to how it feels when Phillip brushes her hand with his, and she doesn’t pull away. Their fingers touch, and lace together, and Phillip imagines that this must be what flying feels like.  He feels giddy and weightless and free...

He feels uneasy.  The hair stands up on the back of his neck, and he looks away from the stage, away from Jenny… into the judging eyes of his parents, looking over at him with thinly veiled shock and disgust.  Phillip doesn’t think, he reacts. He lets go of Anne’s hand, instinct taking over in the face of his parents’ disapproval.

He’s not surprised when Anne turns and leaves the theater a moment later.  He wishes he could leave, too.

 

3.  _ They come to see you!  Your crazy ideas, your new acts, the unusual! _

_      Then you have to show them your smile.  _ That _ would be unusual.  Keep rehearsing. Just make it very clear that I expect them to afford you all the deference you deserve… and that they should be nice to you anyway. _

Phillip watches P.T.’s back as he walks out of the theater and away from him.  He can feel his shoulders slumping, and the weight of their situation is heavy on him.  He’s the  _ apprentice _ , isn’t he?  He only owns ten percent of this Circus.  Ten percent isn’t nearly enough to have any kind of leverage over Barnum’s crazy plots and lunatic ideas that could cost them all what’s become so much more than a  _ job _ .  It’s a home.  It’s a family.   _ Friends _ .

What P.T. doesn’t even realize is that Phillip doesn’t  _ care _ if the performers are nice to him or not.  They were  _ nice _ when he started.  They treated him like he was an outsider.  Now, he’s part of the family. P.T’s not around to protect them from the protesters and hooligans who come to heckle and shout insults and threaten violence.  Phillip is. He’s just not sure he’s up to the task, no matter how much he wants to be.

 

4.  _You know I want you.  It’s not a secret I try to hide.  But I can’t have you. We’re bound to break and my hands are tied..._

He was  _ so close _ .  Phillip knows it, feels it.  He was  _ so close _ to breaking through Anne Wheeler’s walls.  Her words echo in his ears, and in his heart, which feels like what he imagines breaking must feel like.  

He lets her walk away.  It’s a decision that will haunt him, that will keep him awake at night.  Why did he let her leave, as soon as she admits that she wants him? He will dream of flying with her, of leaping off the balcony and holding her in his arms, soaring over the ring like they were weightless.  For a moment, for a beautiful, precious moment, he thought… It felt like she was  _ with _ him.  Like they were finally on the same page.  Like they  _ could _ rewrite the stars.

And then she turns and walks away.  And he lets her.

 

5.   _ WD, where is Anne?  Where is Anne?! _

Their home is burning.  The fire is all consuming, and it’s all Phillip can do to get everyone out and free the animals, to take a mental roll call and to remember all of the living creatures potentially trapped in the Circus.  He scans the crowd, searching, frantically cataloging faces and taking mental attendance, but there’s one face he doesn’t see, one person he hasn’t found, who he hasn’t seen since before the fight, before the fire, since her act…

W.D. comes stumbling toward the crowd, and Phillip is rushing forward, grabbing him, shouting at him, asking the only thing his mind has room for in this moment.   _ Where’s Anne _ ?!

Her brother stares back at Phillip, shock and dismay written clearly on his face, because  _ he doesn’t know _ .   _ He thought she was with you _ , Phillip realizes.

Phillip doesn’t hesitate.  He doesn’t worry about what the rest of their family will do, or how they’ll survive the aftermath of this fire.  He can only think of Anne, still inside that burning inferno, that death trap. He turns and runs back inside, back toward the blaze, ignoring the shouts and cries behind him.

He doesn’t regret his decision, even as the smoke fills his lungs and makes his eyes sting and water.  He won’t regret anything, as long as Anne is safe. And if she’s not… Phillip has time to think that he’ll be with her soon enough, as the walls begin to crash down around him.

 

__1._ This is for you. _

_           What are you going to do? _

_      Watch my girls grow up. _

Phillip takes the top hat from P.T. and smiles.  The Circus is  _ his _ now.  He’s the Ringmaster.  It’s more than he could have dreamed… But it’s nothing compared to knowing that Anne is out there, waiting for him.  That she loves him, and that they will take on the world and it’s ugly prejudices together. The two of them, and the rest of their family--Phillip’s family.  Not the one he was born into, but the one they’ve made, the one they fought for, and the one that fights for them.

He puts the hat on his head and turns, running back into the ring.  Whatever choices brought him to this moment, as Anne drops to the ground next to him with a dazzling smile… Phillip can’t regret a single one.


End file.
